Friday, May 31, 2013

Women are like fine steaks

I was just saying this the other day to Mac and Ryan Kaye (he's another paramedic on another crew at St. A's.  He works with Conner... remember me telling you about that guy?)  Well, here's how the conversation went.  You're welcome.

I say, "Women are like fine steaks.”

Mac groans and Ryan smiles because they both know how intuitive my analogies are. 

“How so?” Ryan asks.

“Don’t encourage him,” Mac says.

“The outcome is about heat and time,” I go on, ignoring Mac. “Without heat, you get nowhere. 
Things stay cold and raw. Not good. Too much heat and things just end up burnt and ruined. But with the right amount of heat, for the right amount of time, you get pink, moist and warm in the middle.”

Ryan looks from me to Mac. Mac is staring at me.  Then he wrinkles his nose. “Seriously?”

“What’s pink, moist and warm in the middle?” Conner asks from just behind Ryan.

Ryan jumps (because we're actually talking about Ryan and Amanda-- one of Conner's sisters)

Ryan says, “Steak,” as I say, “Women.”

Conner looks at me with the same wonder I always get when I'm imparting deep insights.

“That’s…interesting,” Conner says. “Why are you talking about women and steak and holding up practice?”

I don't really give a crap about the Hawks practice schedule.  I'm trying to help a friend out here. “I was explaining about the proper application of heat and time to women.”

“And steaks,” Mac adds.

Conner grins at Mac. “Well, you do know something about the prime cuts.”

Oh, God.  This kid needs to learnt to shut the hell up.  

Ryan covers his laugh with a fake cough. 

Conner is getting more brazen in his comments about Sara Gordon. It comes from the fact that Conner has firmly established himself as one of the best paramedics in Omaha and the fact that Mac has never acted on any of the threats he's ever made when Conner spouted off.


Of course, everyone, including Conner, knows that Mac has absolutely no reason to worry about his wife running off with another man.

I know Conner really does have a thing for Sara but he also has a thing for giving Mac a hard time. Not sure what's fueling this exchange this time, but it's entertaining either way.

“Don’t,” Mac says simply to Conner.

“And I think I get what you mean,” Conner says to me. “Like, if you apply too little heat, even over a long period, it just never gets quite done, you know?” Conner grins at Mac. “Like if your heating element is too old to do the job or something.”

Mac points a finger at Conner’s nose. “If I’m the old heating unit in this analogy, I’m gonna put you on your ass.”

Conner laughs. “Now why would you just assume I was talking about you when I mention something being old. You worried about something?”

The fact that Mac is twelve years older than his wife—and that Conner is only three years older than Sara—is a common jab.  But Mac reacts every time.  I keep telling him that if he'd just let Conner's comments roll off, the kid would get tired of poking at him, but Mac can't let that stuff go.

Besides, I think he kind of likes the kid and their sparing anyway.

Mac sighs, then shoves Conner. It wasn't quite hard enough to put him on his ass, but it wasn’t a friendly nudge either.
Conner laughs and rubbed his shoulder. “Okay, let’s go, Kaye, we’ve got practice.”

So, they leave and I turn to Mac.  "It's a good analogy though, right?"

"I'm going to run it past Morgan and see what she thinks."  He starts to walk off.

Dammit.  My wife has told me numerous times that I can compare her to anything sweet, anything 
hot and anything intoxicating, but no meat, no sporting events and no disastrous historical events.

Not that I would do that anyway.  At least not where she can hear it.  Or hear of it.

It costs me a pizza to shut Mac up.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Meet Conner Dixon. He's kind of a dumbass.

There's this guy, Conner, who's a paramedic at St. A's with us.  We've known him for awhile. When he was first getting started, he filled in on our crew once in awhile.  You know, to learn from the best.

Well, he was a cool kid.  We liked him.  He's a little intense, but we could get him laughing.  And hey, we almost felt sorry for him.  I mean, the guy has four younger sisters.  FOUR.  And, I'm telling you, they are *gorgeous*. They're funny and smart and... the whole package.  Like, the kind of girls that even our wives say "dang, she's hot".  You know what I mean?

And Conner's a football player.  So you know that him and Kevin have hit it off.  Conner's the quarterback for the Omaha Hawks.  It's an amateur league team, but it's really competitive and the Hawks are awesome.  We go to a lot of their games and even our girls like it.

So, we've gotten to know Conner and his friends-- Ryan, Nate, Shane and Cody.  All really cool guys.  Ryan's a paramedic too and he's part of the crew Conner finally got assigned to full time.  (they happen to have two hot girls on their crew too-- Gabby and Sierra-- but I'll tell you about them some other time.  They're hilarious).  Anyway, Nate's a surgeon (he knows Ben pretty well), Shane's a cop and Cody's the Chief over at Firehouse Three.  So we run into them all at times at scenes and stuff.

Anyway, we were going along thinking that Conner's cool and his friends are cool and his football team is cool and then... he met Sara Bradford.  And he turned into a dumbass.

He's decided he's in love with her-- well, has a major crush anyway.  But that's not the dumb part. The dumb part is that he's let Mac know it.  In fact, he flirts with her all the time and sometime makes comments about her when Mac can hear.  It's always very complimentary.  VERY complimentary.

But Mac doesn't think it's charming.

Imagine that.  Mac's so laid back.  Especially about Sara.

But hey, if Conner has a death-wish, so be it.  I find Mac's neck getting red and his perpetual scowling pretty funny really.

And the best part?  Conner's completely protective of his four gorgeous sisters and if he thinks his friends and teammates haven't noticed those girls, he's crazy.  Or a dumbass.

Well, I guess we've already established that, haven't we?

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

I'm a little lazy. And easily distracted.

I know you've missed me.  I know.  But come on, I've got a new wife to keep happy now.

And I'm a little lazy.

And I'm easily distracted.

I mean, I have good intentions.  I think up something I want to write about and I get online but... there's a lot of funny and interesting and horrifying shit out there.

And you really expect me to write blog posts when I could be looking at this instead?

Sex Position Playbook

Though I am annoyed and planning to write a letter to the publisher of Men's Health.

First, they didn't ask *me* for any input.  Second, they're cartoons.  What, they couldn't find any real guys to pose?  I'll give 'em some names.  (No, not me.  Well, probably not me.) Maybe they couldn't find any girls.  'Cuz, you know, there aren't ANY girls willing to get naked on the internet.  No, I know what it is... they can't AFFORD the girls who are willing to get naked on the internet.

So, I'm going to take up a collection and get them some dough so they can do it right.  This guy at work, Conner, said I should look into PayPal for the donations you'll all want to send.  I think Conner probably made PayPal up (it sounds made up, doesn't it?) and all the money will end up in some secret account he set up. He's kind of a pain in the ass.  But he's funny.  He gives Mac major headaches.  More on that later.

I'm going to go check out the PayPal thing.  As soon as I'm done reading this--

The 50 Hottest Sex Tips All Women Wish You Knew

You know, so I can print it off and take it to the guys at work.  I'm generous like that.