Friday, January 24, 2014

Any man who can bake is a friend of mine

Some people might think it's creepy the way Erin keeps following us all around and taking notes on our love lives, then turning the stories into books but... I like it.

It's a public service, really. Guys who meet my wife, Morgan, always want to know how *I* managed to land a woman like her.  I just hand them the book. It's like an instruction manual.  If they just follow my lead, they too can have happy, fulfilled lives with women who are too good for them.

It's like I'm doing charity work.

(The book also comes in handy when I point her out across a room and the guys I'm talking to don't believe that she's really mine.  It's right there in black and white. Written proof. So there.)

Okay, so Cody Madsen and Olivia Dixon are next.

Now, I'm interested in reading this one too.  I mean, what the hell?  These two are perfect for one another.  Well, other than the whole her-big-brother/his-best-friend-would-never-forgive-them thing.  I figured one day Cody would turn to Olivia and say, "let's be together forever" and she'd say "okay" and that would be it.

But no.  Of course it couldn't be that easy.

I don't know all the details but I do know that the winning-her-over part involved a lot of baked goods.

Now, some guys might think that it's not cool or masculine or whatever for a guy to bake.  I'm telling you, that's just stupid.  When it comes to cookies, who the fuck cares who *made* them? As long as they tasted good, I'd eat cookies satan himself made.

Not that satan would be anything less than masculine-- I'm guessing he's kind of kick ass in a suck-your-soul-damn-you-for-all-eternity kind of way.  And Cody Madsen is definitely masculine.  Not that Cody and satan have anything in common.  In fact, Cody's one of the nicest guys I know. (satan not so much)  And Cody's a fireman-- don't think satan would want to hang out with him much.  Right?  Get it?  A fireman and the lord of the fiery pits of hell?

Yeah, anyway.

I'll just say, Cody had me at "I brought some chocolate chip cookies in for you guys".  Done. We're friends forever.

(I'm sure it will surprise you to know that I don't go around collecting recipes and stuff, but Erin made me say here that you can get Cody's recipe at her blog... )

Saturday, August 3, 2013

It's handy having friends with guns

Most nights on the job are pretty boring.  Routine calls are things like chest pain or someone gets a little wild with a kitchen knife.

But every once in awhile we have some excitement.  Some nights too much.

The other night we were called to a scene where a guy had shot three other guys.  Yeah.

And he was still inside the house.  With two more guys he was pissed at... and the gun.

Conner Dixon and Ryan Kaye's crew showed up too, all of us ready to treat these guys, but they were still inside.  So we were just pacing around waiting. And not too happy about it.

Suddenly Shane Kelley shows up.  Shane's a teammate of Conner and Ryan's on the Hawks team and he's a cop.  We also know him from Trudy's.  He's a big, party-loving guy.  A ton of fun to be around.  But now he looks pissed.

Once the other cops fill him in, he stomps over to Conner and Ryan.  "You guys ready?"

They tell him they are, so Shane walks up to the house and bangs on the door.  I couldn't believe it.  I mean, this guy has balls.  He's big, for sure.  And he's got this habit of jumping into things with both feet.  But wow.

Then we hear him yell, "Joe, quit being a dick!  Get your ass out here!"

One of the other cops tells us that Joe is the guy with the gun and Shane knows him because he's busted him a bunch of times but has been trying to help the guy out.

Next thing we know, Joe opens the door.  He and Shane talk and he lets the cops come in and carry the wounded guys out.  We start working on them, but we're all kind of amazed by this, half watching Shane with awe.

Then the two guys who were still inside come running out the back door.  Joe's mad because they're escaping without paying him the money they owe him-- the whole reason for this (well, that and the fact that Joe's had a few drinks).  He starts to run after them and fires a shot, that totally misses but hits one of the cop cars.  Now Joe's headed straight for us and he's looking crazy.

I happen to look over at Shane.  I see him sigh and raise his gun.  He yells for Joe to stop and when he doesn't, Shane shoots him in the leg.  Just like that.  Without even blinking.

Joe falls to the ground crying and swearing.  The cops grab the two guys who were running.  We finish patching up the three he shot-- they're all pretty basic wounds, nothing life threatening.

And Shane walks by Joe and says, "I told you to stop being a dick."

Shane hauls him to his feet and handcuffs him, then brings him over to me and Kevin.  "Make him stop bleeding... I don't want a mess in my car," is all he says.

So, later I have to break it to Kevin that I want Shane to be my new best friend.  Because he can catch a football AND fire a gun.  Kevin can barely throw darts.

Kevin said that he promises not to tell Morgan that I have a man-crush on Shane.

Of course, it's the first thing he says to her when he sees her later.

And Morgan says... get this... "I can see why".

Monday, July 8, 2013

Some things you should know if you have friends with kids

Here are some things I've learned from having friends with kids.  I share so that you can benefit from my experiences.  

* Never tell a new parent that the baby thing seems easy.  It makes them crabby.  (But really, they're not building rocket ships, you know? Feed, change, rock, repeat.  How hard can it really be?)

* If you need forgiven for something (or want to borrow something) just offer to take care of the kid(s) for an hour or two so the parents can sleep.  It's better than beer for bribing.

* Yes, singing "You Are My Sunshine" over and over can slowly drive you insane, but it's a goofy-happy kind of insane.  Listening to a baby scream because you stopped singing can also drive you insane, but it's an insane that makes you want to beat your head against the wall.  The first kind hurts less.

* Don't buy your friends' kids toys that make noise.  Not because they'll retaliate for it someday by buying bigger and louder toys when you have kids, but because they'll put peanut butter in your work shoes now.  Four times.  So far.

* Change lots of diapers.  Even if the mom and dad are around.  It makes your friends eternally grateful and it helps combat the desire to have babies of your own (that will inevitably grow the more time you spend with them).

* Making an ass of yourself to make a baby smile will help you get laid.  Seriously, even if your girl isn't a mom, there's something about a guy being sweet with a baby that will make her want to get naked with you.  Maybe it's some scientific, natural mating thing.  I don't know but it's so worth having applesauce smeared in your hair, sticking straws in your nose, and making elephant noises... even if someone catches the whole thing on video.  And shows it to everyone at work.

* Buying cute pink baby outfits will also get you laid.  Coming home smelling like baby powder will get you laid.  Spit up stains on your shirt will get you laid.  Having a favorite Dr. Seuss book will get you laid.  If you can quote favorite lines from the book, you can probably get away with waking her up in the middle of the night for round three.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Obnoxious Beer Drinkers Are My Kind Of People

I'm a sports fan.  What's not to love?

You get to be loud and obnoxious-- it's encouraged even.

You get to drink beer-- also encouraged.

There are hot dogs-- one of the world's best inventions and once you add ketchup and relish you've got all the food groups.

There are, inevitably, scantily clad women-- and I'm not talking just the cheerleaders.  The female fans can often be counted on to wear short shorts and tank tops in the warm weather. (Thank you, ladies)

And you get to say all kinds of mean and inappropriate things about the opposing team and its fans-- definitely encouraged.

The thing is, I have a very good friend who's an ex-college and NFL player and it's really damned annoying to go anywhere football related with him.  The people in Nebraska are a little football crazy and they all recognize him and we can't enjoy more than a first down before someone wants to rehash the old days and go step by step through his most well-known plays.

SO, when Kevin wanted to drag me to a football game, I definitely hesitated.  For about ten seconds.  (Come on, it's football, even if Kevin gets a bigger head).  But I was thrilled to find the Omaha Hawks.  Because the people who sit in the stands are most definitely huge fans, they're just knowledgeable and blood-thirsty enough to be a lot of fun and... Kevin never played for them.  The people who watch the Hawks play don't care who Kevin Campbell is.

I really like them.

They're a newer team in the amateur football league.   This isn't semi-pro or anything.  This is... less than that.  It's called the Warriors Professional Football League.  But it's good stuff. Since the team is made up of regular guys who work and live right here and just play on the weekend this feels more personal.  The fans are loud and crazy and can drink and swear like they've been in training for this work for years.  My kind of people.

The reason we ended up at that first game is that Conner Dixon and Ryan Kaye, two of the paramedics at St. A's play for them.  Conner's the QB and Ryan's a wide receiver.  They got into a discussion about pass plays or some damn thing that Kevin had to jump into one day.  We did have great seats for it though.  It was annoying that they actually used some play that Kevin came up with, because he wouldn't shut up about it afterward.  But still, I've bought my t-shirt and I'm in the stands for every home game.

And girls, go ahead and wear the short shorts all season... I guarantee there will be some guys there who will help keep you warm.

Friday, May 31, 2013

Women are like fine steaks

I was just saying this the other day to Mac and Ryan Kaye (he's another paramedic on another crew at St. A's.  He works with Conner... remember me telling you about that guy?)  Well, here's how the conversation went.  You're welcome.

I say, "Women are like fine steaks.”

Mac groans and Ryan smiles because they both know how intuitive my analogies are. 

“How so?” Ryan asks.

“Don’t encourage him,” Mac says.

“The outcome is about heat and time,” I go on, ignoring Mac. “Without heat, you get nowhere. 
Things stay cold and raw. Not good. Too much heat and things just end up burnt and ruined. But with the right amount of heat, for the right amount of time, you get pink, moist and warm in the middle.”

Ryan looks from me to Mac. Mac is staring at me.  Then he wrinkles his nose. “Seriously?”

“What’s pink, moist and warm in the middle?” Conner asks from just behind Ryan.

Ryan jumps (because we're actually talking about Ryan and Amanda-- one of Conner's sisters)

Ryan says, “Steak,” as I say, “Women.”

Conner looks at me with the same wonder I always get when I'm imparting deep insights.

“That’s…interesting,” Conner says. “Why are you talking about women and steak and holding up practice?”

I don't really give a crap about the Hawks practice schedule.  I'm trying to help a friend out here. “I was explaining about the proper application of heat and time to women.”

“And steaks,” Mac adds.

Conner grins at Mac. “Well, you do know something about the prime cuts.”

Oh, God.  This kid needs to learnt to shut the hell up.  

Ryan covers his laugh with a fake cough. 

Conner is getting more brazen in his comments about Sara Gordon. It comes from the fact that Conner has firmly established himself as one of the best paramedics in Omaha and the fact that Mac has never acted on any of the threats he's ever made when Conner spouted off.


Of course, everyone, including Conner, knows that Mac has absolutely no reason to worry about his wife running off with another man.

I know Conner really does have a thing for Sara but he also has a thing for giving Mac a hard time. Not sure what's fueling this exchange this time, but it's entertaining either way.

“Don’t,” Mac says simply to Conner.

“And I think I get what you mean,” Conner says to me. “Like, if you apply too little heat, even over a long period, it just never gets quite done, you know?” Conner grins at Mac. “Like if your heating element is too old to do the job or something.”

Mac points a finger at Conner’s nose. “If I’m the old heating unit in this analogy, I’m gonna put you on your ass.”

Conner laughs. “Now why would you just assume I was talking about you when I mention something being old. You worried about something?”

The fact that Mac is twelve years older than his wife—and that Conner is only three years older than Sara—is a common jab.  But Mac reacts every time.  I keep telling him that if he'd just let Conner's comments roll off, the kid would get tired of poking at him, but Mac can't let that stuff go.

Besides, I think he kind of likes the kid and their sparing anyway.

Mac sighs, then shoves Conner. It wasn't quite hard enough to put him on his ass, but it wasn’t a friendly nudge either.
Conner laughs and rubbed his shoulder. “Okay, let’s go, Kaye, we’ve got practice.”

So, they leave and I turn to Mac.  "It's a good analogy though, right?"

"I'm going to run it past Morgan and see what she thinks."  He starts to walk off.

Dammit.  My wife has told me numerous times that I can compare her to anything sweet, anything 
hot and anything intoxicating, but no meat, no sporting events and no disastrous historical events.

Not that I would do that anyway.  At least not where she can hear it.  Or hear of it.

It costs me a pizza to shut Mac up.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Meet Conner Dixon. He's kind of a dumbass.

There's this guy, Conner, who's a paramedic at St. A's with us.  We've known him for awhile. When he was first getting started, he filled in on our crew once in awhile.  You know, to learn from the best.

Well, he was a cool kid.  We liked him.  He's a little intense, but we could get him laughing.  And hey, we almost felt sorry for him.  I mean, the guy has four younger sisters.  FOUR.  And, I'm telling you, they are *gorgeous*. They're funny and smart and... the whole package.  Like, the kind of girls that even our wives say "dang, she's hot".  You know what I mean?

And Conner's a football player.  So you know that him and Kevin have hit it off.  Conner's the quarterback for the Omaha Hawks.  It's an amateur league team, but it's really competitive and the Hawks are awesome.  We go to a lot of their games and even our girls like it.

So, we've gotten to know Conner and his friends-- Ryan, Nate, Shane and Cody.  All really cool guys.  Ryan's a paramedic too and he's part of the crew Conner finally got assigned to full time.  (they happen to have two hot girls on their crew too-- Gabby and Sierra-- but I'll tell you about them some other time.  They're hilarious).  Anyway, Nate's a surgeon (he knows Ben pretty well), Shane's a cop and Cody's the Chief over at Firehouse Three.  So we run into them all at times at scenes and stuff.

Anyway, we were going along thinking that Conner's cool and his friends are cool and his football team is cool and then... he met Sara Bradford.  And he turned into a dumbass.

He's decided he's in love with her-- well, has a major crush anyway.  But that's not the dumb part. The dumb part is that he's let Mac know it.  In fact, he flirts with her all the time and sometime makes comments about her when Mac can hear.  It's always very complimentary.  VERY complimentary.

But Mac doesn't think it's charming.

Imagine that.  Mac's so laid back.  Especially about Sara.

But hey, if Conner has a death-wish, so be it.  I find Mac's neck getting red and his perpetual scowling pretty funny really.

And the best part?  Conner's completely protective of his four gorgeous sisters and if he thinks his friends and teammates haven't noticed those girls, he's crazy.  Or a dumbass.

Well, I guess we've already established that, haven't we?

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

I'm a little lazy. And easily distracted.

I know you've missed me.  I know.  But come on, I've got a new wife to keep happy now.

And I'm a little lazy.

And I'm easily distracted.

I mean, I have good intentions.  I think up something I want to write about and I get online but... there's a lot of funny and interesting and horrifying shit out there.

And you really expect me to write blog posts when I could be looking at this instead?

Sex Position Playbook

Though I am annoyed and planning to write a letter to the publisher of Men's Health.

First, they didn't ask *me* for any input.  Second, they're cartoons.  What, they couldn't find any real guys to pose?  I'll give 'em some names.  (No, not me.  Well, probably not me.) Maybe they couldn't find any girls.  'Cuz, you know, there aren't ANY girls willing to get naked on the internet.  No, I know what it is... they can't AFFORD the girls who are willing to get naked on the internet.

So, I'm going to take up a collection and get them some dough so they can do it right.  This guy at work, Conner, said I should look into PayPal for the donations you'll all want to send.  I think Conner probably made PayPal up (it sounds made up, doesn't it?) and all the money will end up in some secret account he set up. He's kind of a pain in the ass.  But he's funny.  He gives Mac major headaches.  More on that later.

I'm going to go check out the PayPal thing.  As soon as I'm done reading this--

The 50 Hottest Sex Tips All Women Wish You Knew

You know, so I can print it off and take it to the guys at work.  I'm generous like that.